On fear: “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

On nose jobs: “A friend of mine is going in for a nose job next week. Guy. You know what the technical term for a nose job is? Rhinoplasty! Rhino! This guy is aware he has a bit of a problem ... he’s obviously sensitive about it, that’s why he made the appointment. Do we really need to compare him to a goddamn rhinoceros?”

On seedless watermelon: “I’m very impressed with this seedless watermelon product that they have for us. They’ve done it. We now have seedless watermelon. Pretty amazing. What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon, I wonder? The melons aren’t humping’, are they? They must be planting something. How does this work? And what kinds of scientists do this type of work? I read this thing was 15 years in development. In the laboratories with gene splicing or, you know, whatever they do there ... I mean, other scientists are working on AIDS, cancer, heart disease. These guys are going: ‘No, I’m going to devote myself to melon.’”

On chop sticks: “I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people ... They’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. I’m impressed by that. I don’t know how they missed it. A Chinese farmer, gets up, works in the field with the shovel all day ... Shovel ... Spoon ... Come on ... There it is. You’re not ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues ...”

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On stain removal commercials: “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

On plane safety demonstrations: “They show you how to use the seatbelt, in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965. ‘Oh, you lift up on the buckle! Oh! I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that’s how it works.’”

On birthday parties: “The first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You just kind of sit there. You’re the least excited person at the party. You didn’t even really realise that there is a party. Both birthday parties’ people have to help you blow out the candles. It’s also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you.”

On milk use by date: “Have you ever had milk the day after the date? Scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl. ‘It’s after the day! I’m taking a big chance! I smelled it, you smelled it, what is it supposed to smell like? It smelled like milk to me.’ I don’t know how they’re so definite, though. Maybe the cows tip them off when they’re milking them. ‘July 3rd.’”

On disabled parking: “Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?”

On best man title: “I was best man at a wedding one time and that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought ... ‘Best man.’ I thought it was a bit much. I thought we had the groom and the ‘pretty good man’. That’s more than enough. If I am the best man, why is she marrying him?”